The Similarity Between Joaquin Phoenix and Me

This isn't just a beard. It's a haven for injured birds.

A couple of days ago, I started writing a brief little snippet about why I enjoy John Mayer’s music.  That ‘brief little snippet’ turned into a one thousand-word treatise that made it seem as if I would fellate John Mayer with no hesitation.

Because that rant stemmed from a tiny little thought, I’ve decided that I may write more posts that are not necessarily polished or coherent, but they come from my crazy brain. They may end up being masterpieces. Alternatively, they may end up being used as evidence in a courtroom one day as a testament to my insanity plea.

Nevertheless, I was thinking about something today so I’ve decided to elucidate my thoughts in the form of a post.

Here’s what I was thinking: If I were to ever become an actor in film or television (and based on my current acting credits of ‘Nothing At All’ and ‘Does Not Exist’, this is a very hypothetical situation), I was wondering what problems my hearing aids would pose.

For example, I could never really play a role in which the character is supposed to be able to hear because I wear hearing aids. Viewers would wonder, “Why is that person who is supposed to be capable of hearing wearing devices that aid his hearing? I am befuddled.”  And the last thing you want to do is befuddle your viewers.

Or I could just take my hearing aids out whenever the camera was on.  But I couldn’t imagine doing that for an entire movie, unless I just had a bit part. I am reminded of a time when I was about twelve years old and I was playing hockey.

*Pretend the picture just gotta kind of hazy and there’s trippy music in the background as I take you back in time to re-visit the memory. I’m also waving my arms in a trippy fashion at this moment in time.*

In the 3rd period of a heated contest, I broke free from the defenders and I had a breakaway. When I looked back to see if they were gaining on me, I was surprised to see that they had given up chase.

My hearing aids stop working if they get wet, and they had both gone dead at this point after being drenched in perspiration. So I could not hear a thing. My lack of hearing, combined with the fact that no one was chasing me, led me to believe that the whistle must have been blown. I didn’t want to seem like the deaf idiot who finished his breakaway even though the whistle blew, so I dumped the puck in the corner.

In fact, the whistle had not been blown. It turns out the opposing defensemen just lacked hustle (or my eyes deceived me and the defensemen were actually skating hard. But we’ve already been hard enough on my ears. Let’s leave the eyes out of this). So instead, I was the deaf idiot who had a clear breakaway in the 3rd period of a 2-2 hockey game and used that as an opportunity to dump the puck in the corner and head to the bench.

I tried to play it cool and tell everyone that coach had implored us to dump and chase, and I‘ll be damned if I don’t follow coach’s explicit instructions! Nobody bought that for a second.  Applying this to the film industry, I could imagine myself continuing to talk long after the director has screamed out ‘CUT!’ several times, as the crew laughs at me.

Like hands-on-knees laughing. And not with me. At me. I hate the sons of bitches already and I haven’t even met them. Nah, I’m sure they’re nice people. These fictional people I made up are probably nice. I don’t even like being disrespectful to fictional people.

I could just wear my hearing aids and make no mention of them the entire movie. Kind of like how Joaquin Phoenix has a huge scar on his lip but no mention is ever made. Whenever I watch a movie with him, I always want to know how the hell his character got his scar. In a movie like ‘Ladder 49’, I just accepted it. I thought, “Well, he’s a firefighter. He could have gotten that scar any number of ways.”

But in ‘Walk the Line’? I wanted to know how the hell Johnny Cash got that scar on his lip!

“Johnny Cash didn’t have a scarred lip! This is bullshit! This movie is fallacious!”

I admit I may have overreacted. And in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have hit the usher at the Cineplex.  But watching Joaquin and viewers’ reactions to him has made me realize that maybe viewers are quicker to forgive and look past inconsistencies in the actors’ appearances.  Maybe I could just wear my hearing aids.

However, Joaquin Phoenix has recently fallen off the deep end, so maybe I shouldn’t look to him as my shining light.  Or maybe his behaviour has all been an elaborate ruse and he is fucking brilliant.*

I don’t know. These are just the things I think about. Have a great weekend everyone. Keep it real, keep it safe, and keep it real safe.

* No, he’s off the deep end.

~ by djdemers on January 22, 2010.

3 Responses to “The Similarity Between Joaquin Phoenix and Me”

  1. I still think that joaquin is going to stop the act one day and come out with a documentary called “the worlds gone crazy” and make millions off of it some how. I was just such a good actor.

  2. *He was such a good actor. In no way what so ever do I think ‘I’ am a good actor. Typo.

  3. What you may think about doing is making only movies where you can wear cyborg type outfits such as John Travolta here in Battlefield Earth. Costumes like this and the one that Darth Vader wears would cover up those hearing aids and only the tabloids would be the wiser.

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