Another Failure? I’m Sensing a Pattern
Russell, how you taunt me!
When I was bed-ridden with swine flu last week, there was one beacon of hope that kept my spirits up. The top ten finalists in the Russell Peters BFF contest were to be announced mid-week and I knew that if I made the top ten, it would more than balance out all of the negative health issues that had befallen me. Making the top ten would be my light at the end of the tunnel, my diamond in the pile of steaming dog shit, so to speak.
With this kind of storybook ending waiting to be written, it is inevitable that I did not make the top ten. Nope. I lost. Once again. The Sirius site shows how many votes each of the contestants received. The leading video received 329 votes. The person who finished tenth received 75 votes. My video received 33 votes. I was only 41 votes away from making the top ten.
I won’t lie. This defeat stung a little bit. It definitely hurt a great deal more than not making the MuchMusic VJ Search because a) the contest was for stand-up comedy, which is my passion, and b) I was so close.
At first, I blamed myself. How could I only get thirty-three votes? I graduated with a degree in business, specializing in marketing. With this educational background, I should have been able to create more than thirty-three votes worth of excitement. I should have personally messaged people; I should have started a grassroots campaign to amass an army of voters behind me. I should have encouraged my computer-savvy friends to attempt to hack the voting system. I should have done something.
I didn’t send out that many contest updates because I hate being that guy who inundates people with Facebook messages. I really do. I know it is a very necessary tool when you are trying to market yourself, but I don’t want to be known as the douchebag always sending out self-serving messages. Nobody likes that guy.
To make matters worse, when I did send out Facebook messages, the messaging usually went something like, “ Hey guys, I would really appreciate it if you voted for me. (Witty remark). Thanks a lot.” I was too subtle and didn’t convey the real desperation I felt. I should have been more up-front and said, “I need to win this contest more than you know. I am currently a nobody and winning this contest could take me one step closer to not being a total unpaid loser comedian. I beg of you. Please vote for me. I will give you a foot rub if you want one. I mean it. I am desperate.”
There are many areas in which I could have improved now that I look back on the contest with the benefit of retrospect. Initially, I blamed myself for my failure. Then I had a revelation on the weekend when I was searching for ways to transfer the blame in an effort to alleviate my suicidal thoughts. It was at this point that I realized that it’s not my fault. No, it’s yours. Yeah, you. You people are so focused on your own goals and happiness that you lost sight of what’s most important: my goals and my happiness.
You need to stop being so selfish and focus on helping others more often. And by others, I mean me. You should have woke each morning thinking of new ways to spread my name to the masses. You should have constantly been concocting hare-brained guerilla marketing schemes to recruit new voters. Instead, you were probably focused on your insignificant issues. You say stuff like, “Hey, I’ve got my own career, I’ve got kids, my brother’s in the hospital, I’m struggling with debt, yada yada.” Listen, I’ve heard it all. Your excuses sicken me.
I don’t want to harp on you for too long. I’m sure you feel awful enough already. I know I sure as hell did – before I learned the value of blame transference. So what can we learn from this debacle? I don’t know, this isn’t a Disney movie. I just know it’s your fault. Because of your failure as a fan and a friend, now I have to achieve success by getting on stage and getting better and networking and all that stuff. You know, the traditional way. I have to have determination and perseverance and all that garbage. Ugh, brutal.
(Thanks to the thirty-three of you who voted. Ah, what the hell. Even if you didn’t vote, I ain’t mad at cha. I’m on way too much Xanax to be mad.)
D.J. Demers: a pretty funny dude 
This is an amazing post. You so deserved to make it.
“You’re not a failure if you don’t make it, you’re a success because you tried”
Do it up! One day you’ll be big!
Thanks Gwen! I appreciate the kind words. Great quote too. I can only assume that whoever came up with that quote was also trying to alleviate the pain of their failure. I use blame transference, they come up with fancy quotes. We all have our crutches.
hey, you’re a funny dude, don’t quit.
By the way, there’s 2 guys in edmonton doing the “masturbate to facebook” thing, so you might not want to make it a crucial part of your set.
have a good one dude.
The only solution I can see to this situation is that I will never go to Edmonton. I’m just kidding, thanks for the props and the heads up, Chris. Guess I’ll start appealing to the older generation and talk about masturbating to MySpace.